Kleptos Anonymous

My name is Alex, and I'm an accidental klepto.

Let me explain.

I was in the library today to kill an hour or so before swimming (there's this weird lag between Personal Essay and open swim). So I went to the library and hung out, catching up on Newsweek and Time, checking e-mails, surfing randomly to find something for Cake's Artist to Watch page. I was putting back my Time and Newsweek when the TV Guide caught my eye (because DILF Hugh Laurie was on the front).

I read it, stuck it in my bag, and went to swim. Not even really realizing that it belonged to the library.

Cut to 4 hours later when I'm in our apartment bathroom and I see an uncharacteristically generic-looking roll of toilet paper on the back of the throne. I ask Monica about it, and she's like, "Oh, I took it from campus center today. I don't want to use ours up." She somehow managed to jimmy the toilet paper holders open with a pen.

I want to say I'm shocked and outraged at her blatant theivery, but really, I'm proud. We pay $50 grand a year to come here. They can spare us some paper products or an accidental magazine.