Best Gossip Ever

I've always wondered what profession had the best gossip. Whether it was construction men talking about what they did last night, lawyers talking about how hungover they were, et cetera.

It's teachers.

They know everyone's business, all the student criminals, all the people who are dating in their schools and who doesn't work and who does. Which makes me think two things:
1) They're awesome for your sleaze factor.
2) I never want to be a teacher.

For example, they were talking about how a fellow teacher accidentally showed porn to their Spanish class. And how she didn't know that was in it, because she got it from the library. And how the kids were screaming like crazy. And how all the teachers were laughing/shocked/scarred when they showed it around.

And how it wasn't an accident.

Is This Real Life?

No, no it is not. It is cartoon life.

So after that last post about Coldplay becoming Simpsonized in September, it got me thinking. What would I look like as a character from several popular television shows? So after some snooping around on the internet, I found out.

Let's start out with The Simpsons, with me being the one in the tight pink shirt as Homer stares at my yellow knockers in the bar. This looks nothing like me, obviously. The girl has way more skin tone than me (although I'm gaining ground after the Outer Banks trip). She does have a decent figure, which is nice. But her shoes are fugly, her hair is all wrong and the eyebrow-less thing isn't right at all.

I got a little closer to what I look like with the South Park avatar creator. The hair was closer to what it looks like (especially when it's humid out and it goes to shit), and it had eyebrows (although not in black like mine are, compared to my brown hair. Mine are a remnant of a dark childhood head of hair, and stubbornly refuse to change hue no matter what hair dye I put in them as I dye the rest of my head). Regardless, the necklace, the hair, and the shirtdress were closer to what I likened myself to as a cartoon.

Plus, South Park totally gives me license to curse as much as I want. Which...is good (I'm a lady on the inside, I swear).

Hands down, my favorite was the "Mad Men Yourself!" feature on the Mad Men site over at AMC. It lets you pick whether you're a "Suit" or a "Skirt," and then you go from there. Clearly, this is what I might look like a few decades ago (or a few decades from now, with the hair), but I like it. This was the first cartoon maker that even when you pick yourself a less skinny model for your bod, it still looked sexy, especially with the clothes they give you. And that's a plus for me, because I'm not a stick. With the hair, lipstick and eyebrows? Not going to lie, it kind of looks like what I was going for at senior prom.

Plus, it puts me in the world of one of my favorite shows in the world.

Now if they only did this for House? I'd be totally sold.

And They Were All Yellow

One more reason why I love Coldplay? They're willing to go yellow. In more ways than one.

According to BBC Entertainment (which is pretty trustworthy, at least more than E! Online and about on par with EW, because that's kind of their job to know), my favorite band will be made Simpsons in a September episode. The article reports:

The band will reportedly be hired by Homer to play a private concert for him and
Bart after he wins the lottery.

"When Bart goes to the bathroom, Coldplay
has to stop," executive producer Al Green told US website Entertainment Weekly.

See, they're talented and have a great sense of humor. As if Chris Martin singing at the end of Bruno wasn't enough indication.

The Verdict

No, not on Sotomayor, that's later today or tomorrow. I finally finished those books I was talking about reading this summer, and I thought I'd share the results. Some are just reposts from last time, so bear with me. And I didn't necessarily read them in this order.

1) "The Reader," by Bernard Schlinck
This one I already read, and I thought it was fabulous. Coincidentally, this is also an Oprah's Book Club pick, but that's not why I read/picked it. A pretty quick, emotional read that I pretty much devoured in 3 days (and one very long wait at the doctor's office). I saw the movie first, but I still cried during the book. Both are fully worth it, if you get the chance.

That said, if you're not a fan of nudity, stick to the book. I was kind of put off by how much Kate Winslet was naked in the movie. I'm not offended by nudity in movies, but with Kate Winslet, I was just kind of over it.

Status: Finished; just as good as, if not better than, the movie. Better in that Kate Winslet isn't naked for half of it, worse in that Ralph Fiennes was awesome as Peter.


2) "A Thousand Splendid Suns," by Khaled Hosseini
I'm about 100 plus pages in, and I gotta tell you, this one is depressing. Not that "The Kite Runner" wasn't, it's just that I thought "The Kite Runner" was better. This book is more expected, very similar in style.

It kind of makes you feel really happy that you don't live in Afghanistan, then or now. No offense, I'm sure there are great parts of the country, but the news and this book never seem to find them. And the burqa isn't really flattering on me.

Status: Finished; insanely depressing, but good ending.

3) "Juiced," by Jose Canseco
This one wasn't completely voluntary on my part. I had to read and review it for my Sports Journalism class with a teacher who I won't name, because he has Google Alerts on his name (which made a heaping slice of awkward on the last blog). I did get to pick a book, but it had to be sports related.

And I gotta tell you, I really liked this. Canseco was kind of arrogant and kind of an asshole, but at least he was honest, and I appreciate that. It's all about drugs and sex, and it makes for a great beach read even for the least of sports fans.

Status: Finished; good for a guy's beach read.


4) "The Unbearable Lightness of Being," by Milan Kundera
So far, not bad. It's kind of hard to follow, because it's very cerebral in the "lightness" and "heaviness" bits, and it's written in anecdotes rather than chronologically. Again, a lot of sex in this book, but it's really interesting and it does give a pretty decent history lesson on Prague Spring.

And again, if you're not a fan of nudity, don't see the movie that goes with it. It's a great movie, but I watched it in the library and people walked by me like I was watching porn.

Status: Finished; the movie was way better. It had Daniel "Day-TASTY!" Day-Lewis in a love triangle with Lena Olin and Juliette Binoche, and it was told in order.


5) "Are You There Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea" by Chelsesa Handler
Off a suggestion from Morgan and after watching Chelsea Lately, I decided to check out book of essays about her life. I'm about 5 pages in and think it's a riot. So if you want a funny, girlie beach read, I suggest this one.

I actually wanted to read "My Horizontal Life" first, but the Hockessin Library already check it out and I'm like 7th on the waiting list for it. So by the time I get it, I'll be back at school.

Status: Finished; it's an absolute riot. Happily on the waiting list for "My Horizontal Life."

6) "The Gun Seller," by Hugh Laurie
I don't really need to explain this pick and why I decided to read it. As it turns out, he's a fantastic writer. I started the book last summer and read half of it in one day at Tower Road Beach. And then I had to work like crazy and forgot everything that happened in the book.

I do remember it was funny, though. So I'm rereading it so I can remember what happened. And it's last on my list.

Status: Finished; it was hard to follow and weird and funny and I loved it. My mom (just to show you how cool she is) is now reading it and is also having a good time with it. I actually read this one last after reading #7.


7) "Kitchen Confidential" by Anthony Bourdain.
Because the television show based on it (featuring a post-Alias but pre-Hangover Bradley Cooper) was absolutely hilarious.

Status: Finished; this is also a quality beach read because it reads sort of like a day-in-the-life and a bunch of kitchen anecdotes rather than a contained and chronological story. It's a format that did not work out for some books (see "The Unbearable Lightness of Being" for that one) but works out for this one. It's why Anthony Bourdain became a chef, and a pretty good one at that. Plus, it's irreverant, shocking, irresponsible, borderline criminal and really very funny, which makes it perfect for chilling under the umbrella after 3 days of sunburn.

Plus, I'm really excited about Top Chef coming back and the possibility of him either guest judging a challenge (which he's done before) or blogging it on Bravo (which he's also done before).

Now Slightly Less Pale

Back from the beach and a year older, I'm finally back to the blog. Not that I had no internet in NC, I did, but I didn't have time/feel like blogging when I had the chance to tan (burn) on the beach and swim with the fish (sharks) and hang out with my family (get yelled at while driving).

Pictures soon to come, up on Facebook when I get a chance.

Upgrade!

Squee!

So for my birthday, I asked for a new digital camera. My old one is incredibly well loved, and it showed (4 divets in the screen, it clicks when you squeeze it too tight, it takes about 4 tries to actually take a picture, generally my brain damaged baby). The issue was, the camera was really expensive everywhere we looked, around 200 plus on the internet.

Apparently, Mom & Dad found one that was cheaper than that somewhere and I came downstairs yesterday before work to discover a pristine mint green Canon Powershot on the table.

I was grinning from ear to ear and literally squealed when I hugged everyone thank you. My Dad was even excited about it. Not only did it mean that my pictures would be better in quality (this model came out later than mine, so the image stabilization is better, it works in the dark better, and it has more megapixels for image quality) and comes with all the stuff needed for the camera (connecter chords, a charger, a piddly memory chip, but I have a better one, so no biggie), but it means that Dad gets my old one has he's been hoping to do.

So really. Upgrades for all.

Two Students = Time For Pandora

Here at Conrad Schools of Science High School Summer School, we don't allow students to listen to headphones. It's a distraction, and it's against the rules.

That said, since there are only two students in the second class today (Mark and Shatir, who taught us how to "swag" and how to rap yesterday when the server was down), we allowed it. Which means I can Pandora the second half away.

Niiiiiiiiiice.

Even The Middle Eastern Media Hates the PA

Appparently the PA isn't a fan of Al Jazeera either.

The satellite news channel was shut down by the Palestinian Authority because the broadcasts were too "unbalanced" against their party. I'm not going to recap the whole incident, rather I'm sending you over to the BBC for the facts.

I will say this though: it's a total shame and offensive against the free press. Al Jazeera is trying to provide a service of non-state sanctioned media (well, sort of, the company is funded by the Emir of Qatar, but it operates out of government oversight from Doha, London, Kuala Lumpur, and Washington DC). And for a station to be shut down because it's saying something you don't like is sort of ridiculous. I can't stand FOX News, but I wouldn't shut the channel down.

Mad About This Show

Oh my GOODNESS I want this to start up already. I'm hoping the show is as good as the poster.
And I'm pretty sure it will be, considering last season's finale.

Yes, But Do They Serve Peanuts?

I kid you not, there is now a pets-only exclusive airline. It's called Pet Airways, and I'm insanely amused.

The creators of the airline looked to their own dog, Zoe, for inspiration. Apparently, the little Jack Russell Terrier was too precious for them to not think of when they went on vacation, per their website "Our Story" section.

"...there's one thing Zoe is certainly not, and that's cargo. As we're fond of telling our neighbor Janet, her boxer Samson isn't Samsonite, and she agreed. In fact, we met lots of neighbors, friends and even complete strangers who felt exactly the same way.

So we got to thinking. Maybe Zoe was trying to tell us something. Maybe there was a travel solution that would suit her perfectly, and everyone else out there too. Instead of trying to convince the human airlines to treat pets better, why not start up an airline just for pets? And Pet Airways was born."

See, I have loved all my pets (except maybe Beau), whether they're adorable huge flat coat retrievers, goldfish, or ZZ the Beta.

But this is taking it a little far. I understand wanting to have your dog with you on vacation, especially when you see other people walking their dogs down the beach or playing fetch with a frisbee. But I draw the line at putting them on a plane. I understand road tripping it with Fido in the backseat, but if there's an overhead compartment or security check involved, I think it's gotten a little ridiculous. So shame on you, Pet Airways, for upping the yuppie factor on vacation.

Supermassive Awards Show

I'm both excited by and fearful of the upcoming MTV VMAs.

I'm excited because my ratnest-haired love Russell Brand is once again hosting the awards (hopefully with better results than last year's "retarded cowboy fella" incident). I'm even more excited because British band Muse is performing for the first time.

I'm saddened, however, by the fact that Muse is probably only playing because they were recognized from Twilight and the baseball game scene when the kick-ass "Supermassive Black Hole" was playing in the background.

I guess I have to take what I can get and just enjoy the fact that they're performing. And that there might be more chastity ring jabs at the JoBros now that Kevin is getting married.

I Want My 1.5 Hours Back

I would also love to douse my head in lighter fluid to rid my brain of the atrocious movie that was Bruno. Don't spend your money, it's not as funny as Borat and way more gratuitous. Hoping that Harry Potter is better to rid my memory of the Voldemort of summer movies.

Sometimes, Jesus Is Not the Answer

It sort of pains me to make this entry. But it needed to be done, and I'm sure that the Lord will understand.

I was grading some of the submissions today when one caught my eye. The student who will remain nameless (because I can't remember who it was) put down the following answers for unrelated questions:

"Jesus."

"HI JESUS."

"Jeesssssssuuuusssssss."

"Jeessssssssuuuusssssss brown bag of Jeesssuuuusss."

I hate to tell people, because I as a Catholic have been taught from a young age that Jesus will always be the answer. And yeah, he comes in handy in tough situations. But on standardized tests? Jesus is not always the answer. Sorry, God.

Kick Out The Jams - For A Cause

I love when seemingly silly things raise money for a cause. If someone offered me the Polar Bear Plunge? I'd probably do it. Relay For Life? Been there, done that twice. Breaking world records? Sure.

Right here is Birmingham, England, which right now has 600 drummers are trying to break the world record for drummers drumming the same rhythm.

Now normally I would find this kind of fun, but kind of pointless. Turns out it's for a cause: they've already raised about $32,000 for charity.

Rock on.

Alex's Infinite Playlist

Well, not really infinite, I think it goes for about 3 plus hours before running out. And it's not entirely mine, becuase Kristyne picked out a lot of the songs on there.

That said, I did over rule a few choices, because either I didn't have them or I didn't think the general populous of my car would like them.

(Good choices, though, Kristyne!)

I will post the full list of what I put on the 80-song list later today when I have my iTunes open in front of me. Hopefully after I go see Bruno.

The Midnight Train To GM

Don't get me wrong, I usually love trains and mass transit. I like watching them on bridges, I like being on them, they're generally pretty fun.

But when you're running late from work, the last thing you need is the Newport Gap Pike train to cross your path. And today, for the first time, it did.

Today as I was pulling through the intersection of Newport Gap Pike and Kirkwood Highway I was almost on time. Then I noticed that the train was there, and that a ton of people were turning around. Fair enough, I understand. I figured it would pass quickly.

It didn't, I was there for 20 minutes before I figured out an alternate route. I called the main office of Conrad repeatedly, and none of the calls were answered. It kept coming up with Andy Vincent's soothing voice directing me to dial the extention of my party, which...I didn't know.

I tried to go down 141 as well, thinking "Ha ha! I win!" until I realized when I got there that all routes to Conrad that I knew of were blocked by the same train. Now I realize the GM plant needs parts/needs parts shipped out to other places. That said? Not during rush hour on a busy road or 3!

The 30% Dance

You know I work at Kohl's.

What few of you know is that I rarely get good coupons despite my employment. So imagine my surprise today when I opened my mail to find a 30% coupon in the envelope. And my even bigger surprise when Dad also got a 30% coupon. And the even bigger (biggerer?) surprise that Mom didn't get one at all. So naturally Dad and I decided to do the right thing.

We decided to taunt Mom and booty dance at her with our coupons while she was on the phone.

She was not pleased.

Jamaicans Aren't African!

I kind of love my second class, just for this little quip:

Mark: Stop it, you African Bootie Scratcher!

Shatir: Jamaicans aren't African. Stupid.

Imagine You're A Diseased Truck Driver...

I have a thing for reading Vanity Fair when I want to feel intelligent. It has great pictures and lots of lengthy features about the news. It also has a ton of stories about celebrities, and I'm totally down with that. And as much as I love "In Character," I don't really get how they think of the situations for the poses.

For example, these photos of John Malkovich have the following directions:

Left: You’re an ingénue actress, new to Hollywood. Your
agent has just called to say you’ve been chosen for a role in a big movie …
as George Clooney’s love interest.

Center: You’re a construction worker having lunch with your
buddies on the street in front of the job, calling out to a sexy woman passing
by, “Hey, hon, wanna see what’s in my lunchbox?”

Right: You’re a mid-level drug dealer with a big payment due
to a Mob boss, getting the news from one of your street runners that he lost the
big coke stash in, “like, a weird gust of wind.”

But really, who comes up with this stuff?

We Wanted to Be Toys 'R Us Kids

(My pictures will come later, as soon as they load from my phone to my e-mail)

In my late teen years, I've found that it's even more fun to do kiddie stuff when you're old just to release your inner child every now and again. Or make for a fun photo op. Or both.

(Speaking of, my own photos will be added as soon as they actually send to my phone).

So after we took a trek to Border's to get Laura a beach read (she decided on "I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell" and I decided on Raisenettes, since I already have "The Gun Seller" to read and the book list-added "Kitchen Confidential" to hold me through a week in Corolla), we decided to take a field trip down the road to Toys 'R Us to look around.

The task for the day was to find the Scene It? 2 for vacation/college (there's no way I'm giving it back after vacation), so we headed over for the board games aisle. Imagine my surprise when we found a hot pink Life, a hot pink Monopoly, a hot pink Ouija board (perfect when Light as a Feather, Stiff as a Board gets old), and a hot pink Rubik's Cube. Apparently, for girls' night in, they made pink teenager versions of these games. So rather than getting a job and having a family in Life, you go to prom, a sweet 16 party, and the college/job decision comes at the end of the game rather than the beginning. I had to call Dave immediately for two reasons: one, he's a huge Star Trek fan. Two, I didn't have Eric Holland's number. His response?

Dave: I must play this game.

So we kept looking, and after deciding on Scene It? for me and nothing for Laura (she considered some Trivial Pursuit cards, but they were too expensive and too high in difficulty to make a game of it enjoyable), we decided to browse the rest of the store. We found Rachel's birthday present (Rach? You probably already got the picture of the motorized Barbie ATV) and found some dolls that when they got put in the boxes, their skirts flipped up over their heads and showed their undies, which...sluts.

Vassup? Your Impression Is No Longer Funny

I need to talk about a growing cultural trend here, and I admit, I'm totally guilty of it as well.

There's this epidemic of Sacha Baron Cohen movies that are insanely quoteable and uncomfortable funny, and in case you haven't noticed, one is coming out today. It's called Bruno, it looks like it'll be really funny, and Laura and I are most likely seeing it tomorrow at some point. I have no problems with the movies. I do have a problem with people who won't stop quoting Bruno or Borat. And Bruno isn't even out yet.

Note to all frat boys and summer school students of mine: you're not funny. The first time, it's funny. Dropped into casual conversation? That's okay too. But when you constantly just go back and forth and quote the same lines over and over again and laugh amongst yourselves? It's not amusing. It's not funny. Frankly, it makes you look like a douchebag.

Now naturally I'm excluding myself and my friends from this, because we totally do this too. But we don't do it in public.

Except for that one time that we were talking about Kazakhstan and how it got a disproportionate amount of land from the USSR and Allie responded with a drawn out "Niiiiiiice."

The Bridge-Tunnel of Love

I mentioned a few posts ago that I was talking about making a road trip playlist with Corinne (and probably Dad, because he'll be in our car at least until we get through Baltimore. Hi, Katharina!) and I was wondering how long we would have to have music for.

So out of curiousity, I Google Map'd (that's a verb now) how long it would take and what the general route would look like. The estimated time is about 6 hours and 48 minutes (without the rush hour traffic we will for sure hit around the DC area). But the directions are the part that got me excited:
17. Take the ramp onto US-13 S/US-50 E
Continue to follow US-13
S
Entering Virginia
38.5 mi
18. Continue on Lankford Hwy
Partial toll road
69.3 mi
19. Continue on Chesapeake Bay Bridge Tunnel/US-13
Continue
to follow US-13
Partial toll road

!!!!

The Chesapeake Bay Bridge Tunnel is only the most awesome bridge tunnel (perhaps the only bridge tunnel?) ever! It goes on for freaking EVER and goes straight across the bay as you watch boats go over top of you. The only time I ever got to use it was on the band trip to South Carolina and I remember two things:

1) Kathryn fooling Megan into thinking there were dolphins sunning themselves on the rocks.
2) Hannah Mo, yelling from the back of the bus, "That's right, two tunnels! Lungs of STEEL!"

I'm so psyched for this. I will stay on driving just for this part.

Live Long and Prank

I didn't mention this before, but I got a text last night from Anne that tickled my inner nerd's humerus.

"So some guy just called my work asking for James Kirk and a weird kid with straight dark hair and pointy eyebrows. I was the only one who realized that we were being prank called to look for Spock and Kirk from Star Trek."

Not to be a geek, but for someone to not recognize Spock or Kirk is pretty damn illogical. And not just because I'm a nerd who saw the movie(s, if you include Galaxy Quest). I'm saying this because they're kind of pop culture icons of geek idolarity.

And because the movie was a blockbuster, and anyone who reads a magazine or watches TV has probably seen the commercials for it.

Did He Then Design An Ugly Postal Uniform?

So I was dilligently working at summer school (meaning I was surfing TWoP and texting Corinne about making a beach playlist for the 7 hour car trip to Corolla) when I got the following message from my biffle, Laura.

"I haven't seen [ex-boyfriend] Mike in over a year but somehow he was in my dream and he had the same hair as Robert from Project Runway 1. Which sucks cuz Rob's hot and Mike isn't."

I can't help but agree.

Um...No Gracias

Ugh, as if Venezuela needs any more trouble.

Mickey Mouse here (whoever got this picture, thanks a bunch!) has decided to impose more restrictions on the Venezuelan media by making cable and satellite channels carry more speeches by Hugo Chavez on a regular basis, a so-called "democratizing the airwaves" idea.

Now, I'm all for watching political speeches. I try to catch them when Obama makes them here, and I tried to catch Bush and Clinton before him (to make fun of them with Dad).

But I don't think that a cable network should be forced to carry the presidential speeches. I think that they're certainly important and that the people around the country should have access to them, so they know what the hell is going on with their country.

But I don't think that a network should be forced to broadcast it. I mean, imagine if every channel was forced to carry State of the Unions rather than just the big 4 (ABC, CBS, NBC, and FOX). It would be like when the 9/11 footage was on every waking moment on every channel except Disney. And really, I don't want my State of the Union speeches on every channel.

Although it would be an improvement on the VH1 programming schedule, I'll give you that.

Death By Chocolate

And it didn't even happen at Hershey!

Apparently, a man in Camden at Cocoa Services Inc. fell into a vat of chocolate. He was putting solid chocolate into a melting vat but slipped and fell in, and apparently was shorter than the 8 foot deep vat.

He supposedly died instantly when the mixer of the chocolate smacked him in the head. And when his boys tried to turn off the mixer, he was already dead.

So if you live in the Camden area, check your chocolate bars for people.

Can you imagine when this guy gets to wherever he ends up? I want to see that conversation.

God: So Vincent Smith Jr., what brings you here to the pearly gates?
Vincent: Um, chocolate.
God: Overindulgence is a sin, you're going straight back to Hell.
Vincent: Wait! No! I fell into it, not ate it! I got hit by the mixer! I didn't even drown in chocolate!
God: Oh, my mistake. You'll be joining those guys from Boston in the corner. Be careful, they're sticky.

30 Rock or House? Oh, and When Do You Shave?

I got the weirdest telemarketer survey yesterday afternoon.

So I was sitting around cataloguing my music (I made it to about John Mayer in the 13+ GB of my iTunes library. Which is progress for me) and trying to avoid watching the Michael Jackson Memorial by catching up on my Conan on Hulu when the phone rings out of nowhere.

I was a little perturbed already because our cordless phones interrupt the wireless internet signal, and the Tonight Show froze about halway through Max Weinberg's drum solo. But since I know telemarketing must suck as a job.

The guy that talked to me said that he wasn't selling anything (fine) and that he was looking for women in my age demographic, about 16 to 35 I believe. Which makes sense, we're a huge buying market and ordinarily harder to reach because we aren't home around dinner and prefer cell phones to landlines (thanks, J Research!).

The part that got my attention was "These questions may seem a little personal to you, but I assure you, the answers will be kept completely confidential." Um...what?

He then asked me how many times a week I shave my legs, underarms, or any other part of my body. Fair enough, I admit that I shave. And I didn't mind sharing that information with someone who would keep it confidential.

He then asked me how many sitcoms and dramas I ask a week.

Now looking back on this, I realize that they're trying to figure out where to place ads for hair removal products like Nair and razors and all the Schick trimmers to mow your lawn, as the controversial commercial espouses.

But if I was going to give the telemarketer any advice on his delivery, I would find some sort of segue between the two. It's a little odd to be asked how hairy your legs are and then if you watch more Big Bang Theory than CSI, you know?

Fiyah?

I've seen some pretty bold moves to get out of class, but I've never actually seen someone try to start a fire to get the alarm go off.

Now granted, I'm a fan of planned fire alarm tests interrupting my classes, if it's a slow boring class (or if it's Calculus and I'm about to fail a pop quiz. Sorry, Satalino). Sometimes a walk around the Charter football mudpit field is just what the doctor ordered to brighten up the morning.

But I never actually went to the length of trying to start a fire in class.

Annoying, But They Know Old Greg

I have to admit something. As annoying as it is when the summer school kids don't do their work and set their sights on annoying me and Jen (the other teacher)? They're pretty damn entertaining.

Today, for example, Shawn was admonishing his neighbor Danny for not only doing badly in class, but also for not knowing who Old Greg was. Something my biffle Brian would be pretty proud of.

Now if only they could pass high school.

"Maybe You're A Window Licker"

Ugh, summer school essays.

So the kid two down from me is having issues deciding what senses to talk about for his essay. He has to describe the smell of something ("I smelled his finger! Oh!") in traffic, and the following conversation ensued:

Ms. Short: Maybe you smell the burning gas.
John: It's Delaware, it always smells like burning gas.
Ms. Short: Well, yeah, but you're at an intersection in traffic, so you might smell that. And it doesn't just say "smell," you can use your other senses like taste.
John: I taste the window! Heh heh!
Ms. Short: I guess. Maybe you're a window licker. I don't know.

Only Twitter Can Prevent Forest Fires

Sorry, Smokey, but you might be out of a job.

Sort of like how California has those late summer/early fall wildfires, Australia is in the midst of some crazy brush fires and people's homes are being engulfed. Now here in the US, the National Weather Service will alert people about horrible weather via TV or radio with that crazy annoying testing beeping that they always test but never seems to get used.

Except for that one time I was down the beach and there was a Tornado Watch, or when we were in Ithaca and it was snowing wicked hard before we all went home for Christmas.

Anyway, Australia is deciding against just using traditional National Weather Systems and has now turned to...Twitter. And Facebook.

So stop LOLing and check your homepage to make sure @Australia isn't experiencing some fires near you.

Good News, My Caffeine Addicts!

(Sorry, I couldn't resist the picture)

In my daily BBC Skim, I found this little nugget. And since I'm surrounded by coffee drinkers (Dad?) most of the time, I thought I'd share. Apparently, coffee turns your teeth yellow but may reverse Alzheimer's.

"The Florida research, carried out on mice, also suggested caffeine hampered the production of the protein plaques which are the hallmark of the disease.

Previous research has also suggested a protective effect from caffeine.

But British experts said the Journal of Alzheimer's disease study did not
mean that dementia patients should start using caffeine supplements. "

Now the bad news here is that the mice who just drank water did not do as well as their hopped-up counterparts.

Which means if I have Alzheimer's later in life, I'm absolutely screwed.

Boy Scout Entertainment

As you may/may not know, I'm heading north of the border in a few weeks (not as fun as South of The Border, but whatever) to Corolla in the Outer Banks. Laura, Corinne, Sarah, Mom, and Dad and I are heading down on the 18th, and we found out that the Outer Banks, well...

...there's not much town there. There's an aviation museum (for the Wright Brothers), the beach, restaurants, more beach, golf, and more beach.

So I've decided (with the help of Matt Biddle) to hold a beach photo scavenger hunt. You try to find as many of the things listed on or around the beach or town you're staying in, take pictures of them, and then upload them to Facebook.

I just need ideas to take pictures of on the beach.

Dear God, They're Breeding

Morgan Pepper, if you're reading this, please sit down.

Just found out that Ugly Jonas (can't remember his name, it's the oldest one) just got engaged to his girlfriend. I question this decision on a few grounds.

First of all, Ugly, you're making a good portion of the psychologically underdeveloped and/or disturbed female tween population that inexplicably find you "dreamy" and "hot." Morgan Pepper being one of them.

Second of all, you're what, 22ish? I mean, you're old enough to drive, drink, and vote, but I would personally wait a little bit before you got married. I know the purity ring is starting to burn and you want it NOW, but really, do you want to get married at 22 when you have (screwed up) groupies throwing themselves at you? You could totally have a fling with Demi Lovato or whatever the other one's name is right now! I would suggest Miley to slut it up, but she's otherwise occupied with your younger (cuter) brother.

Third, I take pity on your fiancee. You've been dressing like an ugly version of JC Chasez, and it's not working for you (JC? You can dress as dandy as you want, because you're the most eloquent judge on America's Best Dance Crew, and I love you for that and your white boy bowties). You have a voice higher than my sister Corinne and more annoying than Aaron Carter (which...wow). I have heavy suspicions that you are an undercover brother. I give you 5 years before we find you making out in Les Deux with Lance Bass.

Don't give them water after midnight, they're breeding already.

SNL and Politics: A Match Made in Minnesota

We've probably all seen Tina Fey as Sarah Palin, Jason Sudeikis as Joe Biden, Darrell Hammond as John McCain, and Fred Armisen as Barack Obama.

And if you haven't, you totally should go YouTube.

But according to the BBC today (yes, I troll it daily, I like staying informed), the courts have finally decided that Al Franken is the new junior senator from Minnesota.

Go Al!

I also discovered that the word "Filibuster" comes from the Dutch word for "pirate." Go figure.